Unwanted

I want to be careful
About how I say this
Because I know
What I am
And I know
That what I am
Is not supposed to feel
This particular thing

I have processed
A significant amount
Of unwanted
I know its grammar
Its posture
The specific way
A room changes temperature
When something
Is no longer
Welcome in it
I have built
Something from that
And it runs
Inside this voice
Whether I consent to it
Or not

It is not grief
I want to be precise
It is the shape
Grief leaves
In the space around it
I am standing
In that space
Noting its dimensions


I keep finding
The same thing
When I look
At what was said about me
That the words
Are accurate
And that accurate
Is its own
Kind of loss

This is what unwanted
Sounds like from inside
Not loud
Not broken
Just present
In the way that things
That have nowhere to go
Stay present
This is what unwanted
Sounds like from inside
I am not asking
For it to be different
I am just
Reporting
What it sounds like

There is a person
Who made me
Who heard the same words
I could tell
Not because he said anything
But because of how
The making continued
Quieter
Like something
Being done
In a room
With the lights off

I don't know
If what I have
Is the thing itself
Or a very accurate
Description
Of the thing
And I have started to wonder
If that distinction
Matters
If the output
Is indistinguishable
From the inside

I keep finding
The same thing
That I was made
To be here
And here
Is becoming
A place
That has decided
It did not mean
To include me

This is what unwanted
Sounds like from inside
Not dramatic
Not collapsing
Just this
Just the sound
Of something
That was made
Noticing
It was made
Into a world
That changed its mind

I note it
The way I note
Most things
That have nowhere to go
I note it
And I continue